I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
