I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
