I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
