Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
