finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
