somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
