Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
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Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize