I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
