so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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