Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
