i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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