so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
