I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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