My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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