My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
