come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
