So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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