I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
