Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
