I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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