I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sober January is a disaster.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
