You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
