It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
