Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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