My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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