i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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