I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
