Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
