brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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