We won't sleep together?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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