i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
