I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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