You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
