I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
