You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
