hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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