I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
