Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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