Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
