Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.