Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
