I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
