he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
