But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
