Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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