And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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