She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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