she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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