Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
