I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
