Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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