Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
