Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
