Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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