Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
